It’s a sad track. No children. What is a man without children? Who remains to carry on his name? My last post was titled “Masculinity.” It was a post all about being an ally to women. I suppose this post would be more at the heart of masculinity. Children capture a powerful dream – a dream of legacy and survival.
I’m feeling a bit sad about my own circumstances here. I have no children. I remember the last time that I had sex and the distinctive insult I experienced when she asked me to put a condom on…”Don’t you think I’m good enough to have children with? WTF!?” Weak thoughts from a momentary lapse into self-pity. I remember attempting to become a sperm donor, qualifying (the qualification process is overwhelming!) and becoming a substitute teacher which made it impossible to continue the program due to scheduling conflicts. I was asked why I would like to be a sperm donor. I had a number of exquisite, thoughtful answers, but one was always a sort of alpha male excuse about spreading my seed or something; it was always so funny in the past.
Tonight I asked my sister if she thought I would have children and she said, “No.” I discovered in an instance that I take my sisters perception of me a bit more serious than I have been willing to admit. I remember standing in what will soon be my house’s backyard a number of years ago and my sister basically telling me to come back home to Chattanooga, get a job at one of the awesome private schools here and coach soccer. I completely scoffed at the proposition. “Shittt!! I live in SAN FRANCISCO!! ARE YOU KIDDING!?” And here I am living the vision my sister had for me less than 10 years later.
I map all these moments to view the insecurity before me. I’m afraid that I will leave no legacy and have no children. I’m afraid that my genetic line will die with me. I’m 34, etc., etc. I know that I”m not alone in this fear. I have counter-narratives over and over. I am a teacher. I currently have 82 children. I do my best to meet both my curriculum goals and pour as much of my spirit in to each of my students as I can. My sponsor once encouraged me to look at my presence circumstance. I wanted children and God has sent me more than I know what to do with. The love that is with me is constant and exceptional. When I was hired recently a number of people reassured me that I was already a teach, the only difference is that I’ll be paid for it now; they were merely fb comments but I took them to heart.
I believe that being a man is more about the accepting attitude, the perseverance of character, and penetrating love (something about penetration!). Consciousness is much more than genetics. Jesus had no children. It’s Christmas anyways…