Absolutely exceptional weather… the pressure had dropped slightly, just enough to reduce the humidity, making the air feel light and crisp… The blue sky was boundless and made the deep green of the trees and grass super vivid – alive. As the day greeted me this morning I leaned down and tossed my first bag into my truck; I grabbed my second bag and turned to duck inside the door and WHAMMM! I smacked the shit out of my head. Its 15 hours later and I’ve still got the bump.
I keep learning about my body here… here in life. I really like discovering my body – as an interest – and the more attention/love I offer it the greater its voice – sometimes it speaks more loudly than others. Experience speaks. I looked up in the blue sky, as the light shone through the leaves and my pain flowed freely from my head, “What the hell?” I ask God questions. I question God. I guess it was a call to awareness… I took it as a call, but thus began the suspicion I held against the day.
The first meeting I had today came at me like an encounter with an old friend I had long since attempted to discard. Are you still around?… hell. The entire meeting unfolded like a constellation of subtle, internal negative feelings that reminded me of so many horrible experiences I had in grad school. Feelings of not being heard, unacknowledged, attempting to get a word in and being spoken over… then after the meeting, an emotional hangover that lasted another hour or so. Still, I’m a brand new teacher. I have little to contribute in a collective conversation about the school, and I’m learning. Naturally, my hour of silence was as participatory as I could make it. The head of the school was there, and I want to talk about me being a karmic (chronic?) beta, but I’ll leave that pandora’s box for another post.
THEN! I ran over a damn curb in a virtually curb-less parking lot. What the hell!!? ALSO!! I was moving a couch into an elevator and happened to have my mouth next to the wooden arm as it was hoisted up – that hurt too. WHAT the hell? What messages am I to divine from all these hits today? …on such a beautiful day…
I don’t mean to mislead concerning the collection of meaning. That “everything” means something “deeper” – that there’s some deeper symbolism in all things, all the time, can lead to nihilism (or just non-sense) if your not careful. Still, having an ability to elucidate experience through multiple lenses is absolutely vital to discovery and beauty. Perhaps more important than one’s own interpretations are those of close friends – the closed mouth kind (good listeners).
Sooo…My sponsor suggested two valuable insights that I take with me to bed tonight. The first is super grounded in messy, throbbing reality and the second is full of faith. The first is that I’m not perfect. Its easy to forget if you’re me…or if you’re HUMAN. I ran over a curb with my truck – I’m an idiot right there. I’m not a mover; I don’t do manual labor (that often) – you should see my hands, they’re really nice looking. The second insight my sponsor suggested spoke to the more deeper part of me that encountered an old pattern of insecurity – a weakness that felt absolutely deep, inherited-deep, so deep that by no act of my own nor power that I posses would I be rid of this weakness. He told me that I was right…I do not have the power to fix that core wound but that God does. There is in fact operative powers of consciousness and healing, of grace, faith, and love – A Higher Power – that can and will restore the obvious deficit of power I lack. All I have to do is continue the course that lays before me…
WELL… wonderful! In the course of learning, recovery – of philosophy – there is a tendency toward the alleviation of inherited pain.