Deep appreciation for the tragic laughter that irrupts from the experience of obvious loss. Its almost an insult. A life – a cosmic existential insult. I was wondering around Walmart – feeling quite at home in TN – and passed by the magazine aisle to see the cover girls. Hummm, what beauty would I choose? (note the tragic attempt to fulfill the longing for a partner in the commodified fantasy – not quite as fulfilling as porn but definitely less obsessive and damaging) I turned to notice the published books behind me. Christian versions of self-help scattered the shelf. I saw the book my sister is currently reading. I chuckled to myself in the grips of another tragic, self-flagellating thought…HOW, in the hell are these people published? NO, I understand that a life built of discipline creates these works – the work of publication, of concentrated method, continued advancement, etc. – and that this spirit of accomplishment is indifferent toward ideological treatment. Super conservative Christians producing “5 steps to achieving Christian Peace” whatever… will be no less productive than the hyper-intellectual writing for an academic journal. Whatever energy, grace, or discipline it takes to be a successful published author, I don’t have it (yet). I walked out of Walmart laughing out loud – like a lunatic.
I’m not alone… I understand. I laugh with millions of others on the course of creative advancement cursed with having not yet arrived. It’s a human feeling, just don’t stay there… my prayerful voice echoes.
I’ve been reading a book by the Dalai Lama and he talks about suffering in a beautiful light. In talking about his practice he said that he had reached a stage where he understands his suffering as an issue of negative karma that he has the opportunity to take from the world. So that by his suffering he might transform the negative karma in the world thereby saving someone else from experiencing it. He spoke of this meditation as a helpful technique for guiding his practice, despite whether or not there is any actual truth behind the concept. I like this very much…
The Dalai Lama = published.