Recently I have been immersed in Viktor E. Frankl‘s, Man’s Search For Meaning. I ended my last blog with the confession that for me, “Meaning” is just another word for God. My experience of God is thorough, and it continues to provoke my curiosity.
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”
In a meeting a few weeks ago a very wise woman spoke briefly about momentum. She said that God was in the momentum. She said she had all kinds of crazy dreams to become a rock star and a super model, but that there was nothing in her life indicating either one of those two things would happen – there was no momentum. She went on to explain that she honors her prayers to God by living them. Through her actions she tells God how much she desires her prayer.
On Sunday I skipped church for the third week in a row. I experience this as a failure because I am always setting my intention to attend. My will is weak in this matter. And I wonder over this… This Sunday I received a texted message from a good and new friend from recovery named Myron. His text came on Sunday morning while I was in bed skipping church and it encouraged me to come to high noon – an popular AA meeting on Sunday that I call my home. I told him I was coming and his following text to me read: “God wants you there.” I felt the truth of his statement to me. God did want me there and I answered that calling with my body, which is a presence.
I went to the meeting agitated and left the meeting with great peace. My body did not take me to glide, it took me to a meeting. And I got what I needed. I am so deeply impatient. I am on a journey of momentum. My confidence resides in the trajectory of my life, and I have no reason to doubt it whatsoever. I have some strange intuition that my dreams of actualizing my power through teaching, leading, and healing – even as they are situated at glide – will take about 5 years to come to fruition. I’m told in AA that it takes 5 years to get your marbles back and it takes 5 years to learn how to play with them. I’m on a good course then. And with that subtle hint of direction, built on the tide of my life’s momentum, comes a peace and a patience I need more often.
God or Meaning is growing concurrent with my experience. This happens under any circumstance I explore with trust and willingness and is not necessarily separate from the mundane acts of everyday habit. Indeed, it is precisely in the everyday God’s power reveals itself most mightily. Paradoxically this experience brings with it a strange sense of being lived, as though something flows through my experience that I have no power to control and at the same time an incredible sense of self-determination and freedom, as if I am the locus of meaning. It has taken years of practice to live a co-extensive relationship with God. And, to be certain, I’m not quite sure I understand what I mean.
When I am One, I am being lived; I have let go to the best of my ability. In that space I experience flow, no resistance, perfect order, and I am curious, grateful, cheerful, attentive, attractive, and present. I can measure the distance I gain from old patterning through my internal state of well being. If I am experiencing frustation as I was the past few days, in those moments my past pain, failure, resentments, and fear – past experience of suffering – concresces on my present experience and solidifies my external circumstance. I feel the haunting and a spectre draws near. I am distracted, discontent, resentful, angry. I breath shallow, make less eye contact and I am without; without solutions. Currently, I would say that I am living under a 75% flow state, where 25% of my experience I am not well; I just might as well… be sick.
God is the power of auto-production; an autopoiesis. I expect to hit 100% generation and through that skillful task of reconstructing the boundaries of my daily life, I will be connected to others and in communication or communion, will all parts… this task, as it is impossible… is at least a decade away.
Many times I fall into a meditation where I am very old, dreaming with longing over my current experience from that aged place. This mediation brings gratitude almost instantaneously. Without gratitude a piece of God is missing.