Change

 

I’m feeling change in the air. It’s interesting… today, with my XBOX wielded, I introduced some familiar feelings of self-conscious caution. I remember the feeling of “balancing” my life – anxiety ridden. “I smoked my life,” as an AA’er often says in meetings. My life is God’s, and I love the line right after the third step prayer in our Big Book: “We thought well before taking this step, making sure we were ready so we could at last abandon ourselves to Him.”

This is Sunday. And A.N. Whitehead speaks to me, “The power of God is the worship he inspires.” I must continue to change. This year’s change has been my worship of God, my abandonment. Look, I have not faltered, my life ascends. Everything has changed. My home’s address has ascended from 420 to 460. My responsible action increases month to month. Last month I began substitute teaching. While in September I lamented to God for enduring employment. This life has returned to me an employable attitude, step by step. I have witnessed my body grow in strength and weight. My leadership is more and more evident.

With every passing day I find my former tendencies fade. My ability to be present has increased. My ability to maintain morning and evening practice has increased. I am discerning a process of divinity at work through me, embodied, actualized. I stand writing with more distance between my last high or drunk than I have experienced in over 18 years. Still, the call of love is stretches my abilities beyond my current practice. I felt a call to be at Glide today. I haven’t been present there for about a month. And there are other communities that I miss dearly, scholastic communities. There are gifts that miss. I miss dancing. I miss soccer. The days measure time, and though I find my dreams far from my experience this new trust positions me for the change needed to live them.

And my dream you ask:

“People today seem unable to understand love as a political concept, but a concept of love is just what we need to grasp the constituent power of the multitude.”                — Michael Hardt & Antonio Negri

 

 

 

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