Yeah… so I had an orientation today at Gap Inc. What can I say? Super corporate. Its clear they run through employees like (enter solid pun). I will be a retail associate. I feel beyond humbled, honestly a bit sad, tired, silly, and excited. It’s all there. I feel excited because I know I’m advancing, employable, doing the “next right thing.” Still, it is laughable how over qualified “I feel”. I do have two master degree’s… Am I mistaken about something here? I find it extremely difficult to accept this roll in life right now. Today I sat in a room with a couple 19 year olds and a 28 year old manger in training… for $11 an hour. I believe God is mocking me. I do wear Gap pants.
My experience today feels super weird. I had all the same, albeit less intense, feelings I encountered when I was touring the TLC sober living house. Feelings of strange beguilement, like I’m being “taken for a ride” or teased sort of… like God is playfully mocking me. Like: “Yeah!! This is where you’re at with all your skills… you idiot! So the next time you think you can do whatever you want, (smoke copious amounts of cannabis) for years unending… just remember this – You do qualify to be a sales associate at the Gap and not much more. Maybe a substitute teacher for a few days a week.”
I trust God. I trust this won’t last long. It is silly. In the minimal time I spent today with the hiring manager I can give a solid psychological profile, including suggestions that would more than likely strongly improve her upward mobility and career success. That I can even hold that as a thought is sort of sick. Its not sick because its true; its sick because of the difference between my ability to see and my ability to communicate or manifest that skill in the actual world. I am still so deeply disempowered in the context of finance or attracting money. Or should I say … I’m learning?
Paradoxically, I am incredibly strong in recovery, intuition, presence, attention, humility. Not a few hours after I left the Gap had my first meeting with a sponsee. All my experiences of frustation over unmanifest skill faded as our conversation unfolded. I learned of his deep experiences of answered prayer. He told me that right after offering a prayer of gratitude for his recovery, the mountains, life that he was literally lifted off his feet by a wind devil (or something?) in the middle of the desert and landed in the center of a labyrinth he was walking. Unbelievable shit. I was able to pore into him some of the most empowering facits of my recovery. We unified our purpose, our attention, histories and shared in the co-creative spirit of healing. We spoke of the power of resonance fields, channeling, and synchronicity. He told me about baring witness to anonymous homeless person calling him out as a psychologist his last time purchasing weed. This man didn’t know him, yet connected with the power of his psycho-somatic resonance to quit smoking weed and spoke out in favor of his individuation, his healing process. That sort of shit is generally a part of my daily experience. Anyways… For both of us, it was either keep smoking pot or live our dreams. We chose again today, together to live our dreams.
After our meeting we attending an MA meeting and it was really, really wonderful. I know I won’t be at the Gap forever. I pray I won’t be there long at all. I know that God is placing me at Gap to “fill in the Gap” to teach, humble, and most importantly to fill in my financial “gaps” at the moment. I know this because I know who works for me. I am slowly but surely learning whose world this is and how to trust and abandon myself to it…