It hangs but by a thread. History, law, friendship, biotic life, Earthly awareness, individual constitution, Adam’s… Nothing escapes fragility; every event achieves a horizon of efficacy whereby transformation is a requirement bound by structural law.
The power of our history shapes the present. I have been experiencing a threshold. The past 48 hours have been deeply challenging. I feel that my life has hung but by a thread. I am learning to live by faith through grace, without hesitation, with stillness and acceptance; I have the power of dreams and that power beckons. I am barely holding on. I have a deep sense that something binds my path, holds me to it.
I have been looking through rental trucks. My soul longs to leave San Francisco and travel home, to Chattanooga, TN. I feel two worlds. I am two worlds. Chattanooga and San Francisco. Having just made another move in San Francisco, I feel fragile once again. I feel available for a lasting move to Chattanooga. I know that my life would flourish in Chattanooga. I believe that my life has the possibility to become legendary in San Francisco – that difference is a gulf, an aporia.
Today, I have been encouraged by my new housemates. I have admitted how afraid I am, and they have identified with me. My things are still in storage, and still, I have no steady income. I paid the first $500 fee to live sober-living. It is all God from here on out and it has been all year. I participated in a “C.R.A.S.H.” meeting tonight: Concerns. Resentments. Appreciations. Sobriety. Household.” It was wonderful to experience an entire household speak the serenity prayer together: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” oh… Reinhold Niebuhr Then we all spoke: “Keep coming back because we live here.” So cool! And after 48 hours, my subtle anxiety attacks (I’ve decided that my most intense feelings over the last 48 hours definitely qualify as anxiety attacks) are subsiding, and I feel more at ease. In conversation with James, I finally got back to the point of my residency in San Francisco. Having skipped Glide this morning I found myself telling him how important Glide is to my personal story, my time and commitments. It was really nice to remember and to connect.
I believe that I am learning how to live successfully, powerfully.