Courage

I am despondency, not courage. I am challenged, not courageous. If my actions today are ‘right actions’ I’m not interested in courage. Have courage. I’ll take anger. I can’t escape this courage. It finds me, despite me. Me. I. I long for home. I am so, so sad. I am afraid today, and I have met that fear with courage and anger. God has met me within a community of hope, a sober community that I love, that loves me.

Joe pulled me aside today after high noon, took me by the ear and with an ever so gentle tug took me around the corner and told me to be courageous. He had me hold my finger out in front of my face and open and close each eye. I said, “parallax!” He said, “Yes!” This is what we learn, how to change our perpective. God shows us how to do this, and it keeps us sober. He asked me to choose, “Is God Everything? or Is God nothing?” I said it was “both/and” but that, “Yes, of course! God is Everything.” He said that God is a “ping” and it forged the stars and heavier elements, that those elements created me and that if God is Everything then God is Me too.

Mostly I am frightened by my light. “my” because it is not mine at all I think…  It is the light people see, they flock to it as the thirsty flock to water. God, through others, events, and memory, continues to remind me that I am courageous, my gifts are overflowing and all I must do is live them. Don’t hide.

Today I moved into the sober living house – 460 Ramsell st. – mark the date: 9/29/12. My month, my action, my movement. With mounting frequency I have thought of moving home instead. I have resisted this move more than any other move the past year. This move is a threshold and I can feel it. I am a living threshold. This threshold culminated today. My thoughts have driven me toward visions of relapse. I got to the point of planning, scheming. I raised my hand at high noon today for the burning desire and confessed that I was scared; that I wanted to move home. Joe’s presence among others brought joy. Throughout all these morbid thoughts I kept remembering that I agreed to speak today for Justin’s 4:00 meeting. Astonishing. In my most challenging moments, God comes in like this… I told Justin that if it wasn’t for this commitment I would have relapsed today. God knew. AND, I spoke. AND it was amazing. God spoke through me. No notes, no thought, no hesitations – just conscious connection, intimate resonance of folks recovering together. We laughed and felt the power of our common challenge.

So 460… better than 420. Little by little these steps accumulate into profound experience.

You can either hurt good or hurt bad, but discipline is discipline and it is met with courage or it is not met at all. Built up, compressed, intensity.

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