Held Back

My father held me back in elementary school. I was made fun of for this – super embarrassing. Who fails elementary school? Perhaps this was my first recognition of social anxiety. Perhaps this is the reason I am such a late bloomer…  Nevertheless, this was the very beginning of my emerson into peer groups and it began with an internalized feeling of inadequacy. It was my father’s decision to hold me back, not my educators. My birthday is September 3rd, it was fated that I would either remain a year younger than my peers or a year older. My father decided – a year older. His explanation had to do with a calculated effort to offer me an advantage in size so I would be more competitive in sports. How kind.

It has only been recently that I’ve even thought of this. I have been looking for work with increasing agitation, ill-success. In truth… I’ve never wanted a job. My interest centers in my dreams. Still, I feel I have lived for sometime in a state of being held back. My fathers work continues to speak over my life.

In my most creative states of emotional well-being I like to imagine that it was never my Earthly father’s will, but the will of my Father in Heaven. This idea conforts me like a rare jewel or a great favor. The gift of time, of emergence and process for a purpose greater than myself that at the same time fulfills my greatest potential.

Anyway… I’m going to bed.

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