What a day, my God. Just activity. I began the day with an amazing meeting at the dry dock. 8:30am. I discovered my grand, grand sponsor – Ted. He was the speaker, and he was really, really wonderful. Multiple decades of sobriety. It took him four years without drinking before he surrendered and entered AA. Amazing. The memories of his anger touched me at the core. His resentments toward the strong AAer’s during that time stood out for me. Speaking of one particular member he said, “I mistook his confidence in his conviction for arrogance.” He was a visitor for four years he explained until he entered his spiritual experience of surrender.
Thomas and I walked out of the dry dock and I re-sprung my finger by snagging it on my backpack. My body speaks my repressed convictions. What I mean is that I interpreted my hurt finger as a sign that I should cease masturbation. I know… A guy at another AA meeting announced it had been over 8 months. There was one time when I thought it impossible for me to abstain from smoking cannabis for a year. I’ve proven it is not impossible. I do deserve the love, sexual and otherwise, I am able to give.
I returned a pair of pants at the Gap. Maybe I’ll turn in an application there. I could sell Gap clothes. I showed up at Scala’s again today dressed to-a-tee but they filled their server positions. My hearts desire is weighted in the balance as the pressures of my financial obligations, disbelief in my ability to sustain myself (experience!?), and the voices of “wisdom” that drive me toward work… exchanging my time for money where my talents are marginal in relation to my compliance.
I went to High Noon… Actually, I attended 3… count-um – THREE, AA meetings. I’ve known people to hit up seven a day. That’s barely time to make the commute between meetings. Three is the most I’ve ever done. Tonight I went to dark secretes. Great meeting, young people, my people.
The special and extremely different, empowering event in my life today was meeting Elliot and his family. I placed an add out on CraigsList for Conscious Soccer Coaching and got a response from a very kind man named Chris. His son Elliot is looking to advance his 12 year old soccer career. We agreed to meet at a futsal pick up in Alameda tonight. I was blessed to have Lawrence’s car. Futsal was awesome. I played with some of Elliot’s teammates and they were surprisingly skilled. I learned that their team ranked 7th in Northern California last year or something exceptional. I went for pizza with them and other players afterwards. It was really great. And it was a huge step for me. Almost like standing on my own, with my own history of skill, my own integrity and offering. I am very much looking forward to training with Elliot tomorrow morning. We’ll see how it goes…