I approach the day in prayer. I leave the night with prayer. With constancy…
In lament and worry I have starved myself from financial accomplishment. An increasing sense of unease has lived with me for many years regards my debt, my unemployment & underemployment. I find it time to grow beyond my former struggles of financial scarcity… so I pray for the strength to act accordingly. I pray that my actions are guided toward employment, not to cease with employment… rather, to live into full bloom of financial creativity. Let this be my continual prayer. Let not the patterns of the past determine the possibility of tomorrow. I pray.
Today, I finally found myself in another conversation where I failed to live up to my financial responsibility. It feels horrible. I never want to feel this feeling again. I never want to feel like a victim again. My relationship to addiction has been driven by these unresolved, disintegrated, atrophied skills. A desperate since of co-dependency has survived for far too long. Series after series of enabling actions bound me to disempowered relationships. I have been addicted to giving others power through making myself low. I have found that in making myself low, people were less threatened by me. People struggle to live with others who out perform them. It is easy for me to out perform others. It always has been. This is a weird circumstance… now I am out performed by all my peers, in almost every measurable category. Least I forget, I am on food stamps.
Having dreaded this conversation the last two weeks, tonight my roommate told me that he would not support me taking renters assistance. He would not further enable me. This means a few things for me. I go into debt with him. He joins the list of people and institutions who I owe money. His love for me is humbling, so humbling I cannot resent him. He has watched me grow significantly over the last year. His insistence that I get a job is what I need to hear. He is the graceful, yet stern father I need to hear. I will begin to work. I wonder if he understand how this will change me. I will grow in power. I will leave him and this nurturing house. I will become what I have agreed to become and rarely will our lives touch. I wonder if change impresses people.
I pray for us. Prayer is that spiritual communication that directs our call toward soul transformation. Our prayers are wakeful intimations, liminal voices of inherited reconciliation. Prayer suggest that my latent potential hopes to live. God brings us prayer… humbly we ask, humbly we thank, humbly our lives unfold before all the Earth and all its Heavens.