When I am strong, I am strong. But weakness is the gift. When I am weak, strength is other. It comes from another. Something else is strong for me when I am weak and this is the gift. All day today I played the weak track. Suffering from visions rooted in fear, there was a good portion of my day where I was not experience the life before me. Absent in presence. My fears curse my productivity. They feed on my actions that fail to financial gain. Even more particularly my visions of anxiety coasted through versions of a conversation about this months rent… which at this point, I do not have. My demons appear here.
It is difficult to accept what is. A wise female/life coach friend of mine likes to say this: “When you argue with what is, you only loose 100% of the time.” The topic of the AA meeting I went to tonight was “Acceptance”. Exactly. Learning the peace of what is, is itself a practice of enlightenment. I am right where I am supposed to be… it couldn’t be otherwise, or it would be. From this bedrock of acceptance the power of accountability becomes an ally. Life becomes radically simple. Next things next; One step at a time.
Something else is strong for me. I am aware of this especially when I’m weak. Talking to my sponsor today I admitted my anguish centered around whether or not I believed that I should accept renters assistance. My resistance of financial responsibility is an internalized narrative of disempowerment, and it vexed me all week. It felt like a mountain of unresolved energy boiling into projected visions of roommate conflict. Super sucky. My sponsor is a gift of God, a gift through weakness and words reminded me of God’s care, that even the professional case workers found me more than eligible to receive aid, to the point of advocacy. Worry not, trust in the unfolding events of God’s grace…where I am known.
For years I have avoided financial accountability and floated on the waves of academic success and accumulated debt. This tide of privilege has apparently come to an end. My bills say so. Now I see a new dawn of creative advance. This is ALL for me. I bow to the presentation of power not my own, but some strangely familiar other whose love covers me, a grace, an inheritance. This power is increasingly living me. I can tell. People have called it flow. My longest tradition calls it the Holy Spirit. My newest capacities refer to an intensity of consciously embodied resonance, a magnification of biopsychosocial power that constitutes the living unification of Earth.