Again

So it is again; always already bound to eternity. How often the lessons of learning occur. The windows of grace show us new horizons of light. It would have been different if it wasn’t happening but it did happen. It did. Eva told me tonight that she did not want to be with me. The words couldn’t have been more clear. We walked toward the Upper Haight about to ascent a hill and her words broke the night. Only moments later we hear a cat cry. Gazing up we see her in the tree. Curious moments of synchronicity bare all… It wasn’t a high tree. Our concern redirected, Eva’s momentum to give aid gave way to my strong words: “Leave it. It will come down.” I spoke it down as powerfully as Eva’s words severed our relationship. “You’re right,” she said. The cat displayed courage as it descended. So much so Eva commented on it. It wasn’t the courage of the cat that struck me, but the courage of her words to me. I had not the courage to tell Eva. Eva was the courageous one here. “Time is out of joint,” said Shakespeare. It is like that with karma, our cycles of growth. Seemingly amiss, ajar, strangely incompatible.

I love her, Eva. The love we share I carry forward. I pray for the relationships we deserve. Eva bore the burdon of my subtle resentments, my projections of anger and disempowerment. She bore it, and she honored me with grace, companionship, encouragement. We were walking back from Blue’s dancing… perhaps the music foreshadowed our following emotions. She was frustrated that she wasn’t able to follow me in dance. A curious experience that I did not share. I had some of the best dances of my life with her this evening – AND with a few other women I might add! It sadden’s me how that we are not together now, perhaps not that much though… Still, last night we lay so close…

I have utter confidence in God. I have confidence over unrequited love. The past year I have lived a life of empowerment through recovery. It was suggested to me that I not date my first year. I did not take this suggestion… so here we go again!

 

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