This will be the second day of my commitment to write daily.
Today was beautiful. Glide. Lunch with friends after. Video training on how to conduct an interview. Soccer with Eva as a spectator. Then my pre-birthday dinner with Eva. As I write she lays next to me and I am captured by her presence, her grace. She gifted me with a card this evening. It was deeply humbling how much love and attention I have received from her. It has been years since anyone special to me watched me play soccer. She thought I was great. I was great.
With so much affection I have for Eva I am humbled by the perception that I am living through another cycle of intimacy my karma has carved out. It is strange that I write it this way. I have grow so accustom to describing my relationship to women like the cycles of the moon – oh how they wax and wane. I have this vivid memory of my former lover Leah accusing me in the car of a love for her that waxed and waned. I have swayed between the poles of the two W’s: weed and women or in times of single-hood the two M’s: marijuana and masturbation. These cycles of inheritance or karma or consequence or grace – what would you like to call it? – these cycles are part of a narration that brings meaning to my growth. I have so greatly feared unrequited love, that I storied my life along a path that continued to attract love that inevitably left me. Blame my mother for the divorce, blame my father for the disempowerment, blame cannabis as a deterrence… these things only go so far before I’m left facing myself in the mirror of circumstance. It’s me.
Eva will indeed leave. She will leave in a few days time. She will travel to Boston to build a bi-coastal life and all that comes with it. And again, Eva will return in two months time. The cycles continue but the context is only a specter of my former story. This evening I explained that I am confident my former lovers, especially Leah and the love that we cultivated and expressed lives on in the present. I am bring those experiences into the present as gifts. For Eva and I this truth holds fast.
We are being prepared. We are living works of creation. Eva asked me tonight if we are free from the karma of our parents… I said this was a wonderful question.