I am leaving 1282 in the morning. My time in the “house that connects” has been intense and lovely. Just yesterday I was shedding tears, having challenging conversation with a special man – a man I love and admire, Mikey; he has believed in me and seen me grow. I just learned he has a profile on IMD. He used to date Kristin Bell! Ha! Who knew?
Anyways, I am scared to move again. It has been increasingly difficult to move over the past year. I have moved so many times, some places I only crashed for a few nights, others I made my home for a little over a month at a time, like 1282 – also known as the “halfway house for awesome people.” Sometimes I’ll have this ego-conquering vision that sees my brief residencies encircling the Bay Area akin to a predator surrounding his prey… AND soon I will “go in for the kill!” Oh… San Francisco… Those visions are a pathetic defense against reality. They don’t help the fact that I have been waving through deep feelings of doubt throughout the week and especially over the last few hours. I have been asked to leave yet another place I value. It was Hamlet who spoke, “Time is out of joint.” I do know failure. Who am I that I trust God? My mind eats away at my serenity. I doubt the power of God, the potential that shapes my life. I think that moving back to Chattanooga, TN is the logical choice. Why have I refused to move back home, despite all the difficulties I’ve been faced with in the Bay Area. Addiction. Homelessness. Arrest. Bike Crashes. Lost. The narrative grows dismal. I have exceeded my intentions for the Bay Area.
I am bound to a dream, and I refuse to let it go. A dream to minister at Glide; a dream to finish my Ph.D; This is the reason I stay. I think it as insane as my obsession to use cannabis. Still, I am called to take the next step into sober living housing. It is a home where everyone is committed to living sober. We have evening meetings, there is a house manager. We’ll see how it goes for a month or two. If everything goes smoothly I’ll be able to take my things out of storage for the first time in over a year. I have been living out of a backpack for over a year. Sooo crazy different, difficult.
I have placed myself in a position of hyper-change, hyper-movement over the last year. The only stability has been the presence of my recovery, the grace that I see work for my benefit, independent of my will or power. I am humbled by the power of God that lives within me. My faith has grown significantly over the past year. Amidst the waning lapes of consciousness into fright and doubt I am super powerful. I have learned; I am still learning how to “let go and let God” – here God lives me.
Freedom is admitting powerlessness over my circumstance. I speak the serenity prayer so many times a day and the power to live it comes only momentarily. Increase those moments of lucidity. There is another line from Shakespeare that appears to me, “Thy life’s a miracle. Speak yet again.”